for Andrea
Swimming laps,
I shared the university men’s pool
with a small child and his dad.
Near the end of the three-meter plank,
the boy confronted an abyss.
Somewhere below, his father treaded
encouragement.
I held to a gutter, resting,
watching.
The boy pulled
at his tiny butt cheeks,
feet churning on the rough surface.
Forty years later
I still feel that splash
as I seek the courage
to love you
more.
(No. 99 in a series of responses to Han-shan’s Songs of Cold Mountain)
The moment caught and amazed me, there in the University of Colorado men’s pool. I watched a little boy (maybe 3 years old?) take a step on the hero’s journey, confronting his fears, supported by his father. His total focus, nervousnous, and ultimately his leap have stayed with me for these 40 years or so.
As my partner Andrea and I face the strains, fears, and opportunities within our relationship, I confront long buried fears. And no less is required than that same courage I witnessed long ago. As do us all, I feel like a child within an adult sometimes, but with the strength of myself in the water, support at the ready.
Still, it looks like a long way down.
(Numeric reference to Han-shan’s poem reflects the order of presentation in Burton Watson’s translation, presented as Cold Mountain, Columbia University Press, 1970.)
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